"I swerved right to avoid the deer, but collided with the car on my right and ricocheted back into the deer and oncoming traffic. That deer simply was not meant to live."
"A woman collided with me from behind, and I yelled 'You crazy bitch!' so she hit me again. At this point I realized it was my wife."
"Look, all I want to know is will my car insurance cover the alligator damage?"
"I was trying to hit a raccoon, but it dodged under a mailbox."
"While riving down the interstate, I was possessed by a poultrygeist which crashed me off the road." [poultrygeist = chicken ghost?]
"Honestly, it never occurred to me that the speed limit applied after midnight."
"I spilled whiskey on my lap, and because I'd recently shaved my genitals, it stung like crazy. This distracted me so I didn't notice the light turning red."
"Travel Monopoly is such a bad idea."
"There were two dogs fornicating in the street, and I swerved to avoid them, into their owners."
"That tree came out of nowhere."
"I know I should be upset that I've been in an accident, but it's actually kind of nice to see my auto insurance finally do something after I've been paying for it all these years."
"I did him a favor, his car was a piece of shit."
"I'd like to make it a point that I was not shooting at the police officers, I was shooting at their tires."
"If driving with beer is such a liability they should make it illegal."
"I was trying to high-five my brother from the van, but he got too close."
"Some folks say animals don't have souls. Well let me tell you, as that duck flew through my windshield, it looked me dead in the eye, and it did have a soul. A soul full of murder."
"When the dust cleared, my pants were gone."
"The mare didn't seem to be injured, if anything I'd say she seemed to be enjoying it."
"A word of advice: don't let your girlfriend drive your car unless you like your girlfriend more than your car."
"And it's all because of that damn squirrel."
"When my breaks went out I aimed for the softest thing I could see, the mattress store."
Auto Insurance Quotes from California Drivers
"Honestly, I never thought I was the kind of man who could drive his car into another man's pool, but when your wife leaves you for an optometrist, you really find out what you're made of."
"Watermelons may be delicious, but they're terrifying when they come flying at you off the back of a truck."
"I saw my friend Ronnie at the stop light ahead of
me, so I thought it'd be funny to bump into him…
…turns out it wasn't Ronnie after all."
"What at first appeared to be an unmanned vehicle, turned out to contain several incapacitated midgets."
"I pulled off to the side of the road with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the engine was on fire, so I took my dog, and smothered it with a blanket."
"The Mescaline made I-5 look like one amazing bumper-car game."
"So I guess what I'm saying is- hamburgers, fries, sandwiches, and protein bars all make excellent car food, but soup and salad - not so much."
When I told the young man I'd hit that I didn't have car
insurance, he smiled and replied, "Yes you do."
Bewildered, I said, "No, I most certainly do not have
any car insurance." He replied, "Sure you do,
I'm a friend of your daughter's, and I was with her last
week when she took out an auto insurance policy on you because
she thinks you're going senile."
I guess my daughter's smarter than she looks!
"I thought she was screaming for a DANCE break. In retrospect, it was a dumb thing to think"
"Don't speed with a backseat full of cacti."
"Every time I hear jazz on the radio my driving becomes so erratic!"
"I thought if I swerved just a little to the left, the spider might fall out the window."
Auto Insurance Quotes from Texas Drivers
"No one bothers to tell you that being pronounced Legally Blind means you shouldn't drive."
"That fish market came out of nowhere!"
"That jazzercise class came out of nowhere!"
"That orphanage came out of nowhere!"
"The bartender told us to take it outside, but it was Earl's idea to take it to the back of Jim's truck. And Jim was just trying to get home quickly."
"Yep, I'm up to 17 accidents this year but I swear only 12 were my fault."
"The important thing is we've learned a valuable lesson - never call off an engagement at 80 mph."
"Those high speed chases may look fun on TV, but they're actually very stressful!"
"First I hit the molasses, then I hit the trailer full of cats."
"It was all pretty funny until the other driver rolled their SUV into a SUV dealership. Have you ever seen dominos falling? Well, it was kind of like that."
"My buddies and I thought it would be fun to steal those magnetic ribbon bumper stickers. Off moving cars."
"Rush hour seemed like the perfect time to practice my tuba, traffic was hardly moving at all!"
"I couldn't get the cats into their carriers so I thought I'd just throw 'em in the car and head for the vet."
"I guess the 'Tornado Chaser' gene skips a generation."
"Don't eat cereal while driving - you'll crash or it'll get soggy. Either way, you lose."
Q: Was there anything either driver could have done to
avoid the accident?
A: Taken a bus.